ways not to use ketchup


Jack Dougherty, Staff Writer

Many prominent Catholic religious figures such as Pope Francis have recently come out against ketchup as its reddish hue has been linked to aid devil-worshippers in, well, devil worship. As Heinz’s legal team has pointed out to the Keystone Keynote, there has yet to be any evidence of ketchup-related devil worship. However, when has panic surrounding Satanic worship really ever gone awry?


One concerned citizen interviewed outside of a preschool had this to say: “Ketchup is not yummy. Yuck, yuck, Can I have my fruit snacks now?”


Also, like, ketchup’s totally like 70% high fructose corn syrup. So I mean it’s probably not good for you and stuff because of blood sugar or whatever bad thing high fructose corn syrup is supposed to do to you.


Without further ado, here are 3 things that you shouldn’t use ketchup for:

1. Waffles.

Seriously, what type of sicko puts ketchup on waffles. Jokes aside, ketchup on waffles is abhorrent. Who does this? Just, please, for the love of god, only put syrup on waffles. You’re trying to eat a breakfast classic, not a red-gold Jackson Pollock painting with a viscous texture.

2. Baked Potatoes.

Please stop eating ketchup.

3. Anything else that is even remotely edible.

Examples: Rocks, rubber, shoes, desserts, clothing, hard candy, animals, people, plates, food, and hot dogs.