Chinese Zodiac Horoscopes (Month of April)
How to read this: start with the year that you were born in and find that animal that corresponds to that year.
Rat
1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020
Stop making rash choices this month. Seriously. Your stomach will thank you for not eating that entire box of Girl Scouts cookies.
Ox
1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you were on the other side. It wants to fight you. What did you do to offend it?
Tiger
1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
This might be your month to start dating. That being said, have fun trying to arrange a date during a pandemic.
Rabbit
1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
Taco Tuesday is in your future. So is a nauseous trip to the bathroom. Choose your lesser evil.
Dragon
1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
Fire is in your future. Be careful not to start conflicts. Or you know, an actual fire.
Snake
1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
Be wary of sticks. Take that however you want.
Horse
1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
Yeeeeaaaaaahhh I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road. I’m gonna riiiiiiide ‘till I can’t no more.
Sheep
1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015
Wolf in sheep’s clothing? Sheep in wolf’s clothing? Anyway, watch out for the capitalistic society wanting your fur or your wool.
Monkey
1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016
I’m told that monkeys are intelligent, but why hasn’t one come up to show me any memes? Anyway, your month will be filled with dumb jokes that no one else will get.
Rooster
1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017
The universe may suck at a lot of things, but you know what doesn’t suck? Spaghetti noodles. How do y’all do it? I need to know.
Dog
1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018
Congratulations! You managed to rig the zodiac by excluding the cat! Well, guess what, good luck on trying to be successful at anything else this month.
Pig
1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019
If you listen to WAP anytime during this month, you will be contractually obligated to listen to only that song for the rest of the month, or else the universe’s heat death will arrive just a few months earlier than expected.
Derek Wong is a senior who likes discussing hot topics relating to politics and the entertainment industry. He frequently participates in Model UN, loves...