Chinese Zodiac Horoscopes (Month of April)


How to read this: start with the year that you were born in and find that animal that corresponds to that year. 



1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020

Stop making rash choices this month. Seriously. Your stomach will thank you for not eating that entire box of Girl Scouts cookies.



1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you were on the other side. It wants to fight you. What did you do to offend it?



1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010

This might be your month to start dating. That being said, have fun trying to arrange a date during a pandemic.



1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011

Taco Tuesday is in your future. So is a nauseous trip to the bathroom. Choose your lesser evil.



1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012

Fire is in your future. Be careful not to start conflicts. Or you know, an actual fire.



1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013

Be wary of sticks. Take that however you want.



1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014

Yeeeeaaaaaahhh I’m gonna take my horse to the old town road. I’m gonna riiiiiiide ‘till I can’t no more.



1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015

Wolf in sheep’s clothing? Sheep in wolf’s clothing? Anyway, watch out for the capitalistic society wanting your fur or your wool.



1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016

I’m told that monkeys are intelligent, but why hasn’t one come up to show me any memes? Anyway, your month will be filled with dumb jokes that no one else will get.



1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017

The universe may suck at a lot of things, but you know what doesn’t suck? Spaghetti noodles. How do y’all do it? I need to know.



1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018

Congratulations! You managed to rig the zodiac by excluding the cat! Well, guess what, good luck on trying to be successful at anything else this month.



1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019

If you listen to WAP anytime during this month, you will be contractually obligated to listen to only that song for the rest of the month, or else the universe’s heat death will arrive just a few months earlier than expected.