Aries (21 March – 20 April) – If you took all the weeks of your life and sorted them from least to greatest, this week would surely be on that list.

Taurus (20 April – 21 May) – When life gives you lemons, gather the seeds. Plant lemon trees on your enemy’s property. It’s a long con. Those things are mostly thorns.

Gemini (21 May – 21 June) – Like you, words often have a dual nature. This week, you will encounter such a word: endangered. The irony will be lost on the pouncing tiger. 

Cancer (21 June – 23 July) – The stars tell me you can expect good fortune this week. The stars tell me lots of things. Mostly lies.

Leo (23 July – 23 August) – Does the world revolve around you? Or are you just a cog spinning in the great machine? Only one thing is certain: the heat death of the universe.

Virgo (23 August – 23 September) – This week, the universe will reveal to you a great, life-changing truth. Unfortunately, the universe will not realize it was on mute.

Libra (23 September – 23 October) – In your future, I see mostly sunny skies with cool breezes giving way to rising temperatures later in the week.

Scorpio (23 October – 22 November) – Bees?

Sagittarius (23 November – 22 December) – This week you will be swept off your feet. Unfortunately, it will be by a ninja intent on stealing your valuables.

Capricorn (22 December – 20 January) – With Mercury Rising and Jupiter Ascending, you have at least two awful movies to watch this week. 

Aquarius (20 January – 19 February) – This week you will establish your place in the epic struggle between the forces of good and the forces of evil. It’s over near the bathroom next to the snack table. 

Pisces (19 February – 21 March) – They say that the most important step in any journey is the next step. Your next step should be away from the screen and toward the nearest shower.